from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
