Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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