I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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