i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
