You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
