I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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