I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
