hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
