kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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