I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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