I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
