I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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