i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
