I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
