yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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