I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
