He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
