Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
me + whiskey = a bad person
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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