Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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