i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
