Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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