He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
