hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
