Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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