this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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