there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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