I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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