Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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