I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
