So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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