"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
