She is in my trunk
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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