My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
