i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
