you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
