She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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