Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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