Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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