Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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