Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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