Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
