My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
