I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
