it was like his penis was on wheels.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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