Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
