His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
