I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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