I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
