We named our party play list daddy issues
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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