My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
