I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
